See See Look Look O.O

Geeks Sex Language

2012-01-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

Boy: can i touch ur software?

Girl: show me first ur hardware

Boy: can i install it in ur system?

Girl: OK!if u cover it with anti-virus first

Hand in dark and stormy night

2012-01-09T01:58:00.000+08:00

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed.

The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel.

The car started slowly.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!"

Hairstyle that makes your dick looks short

2012-01-09T01:54:00.000+08:00

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style.... it makes your nose look too short.

1, 2 , 3 for erection and 1, 2, 3, 4 for de-rection

2012-01-09T01:52:00.000+08:00

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."

He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it`s over?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down.

But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?"

Forgotten Disabilities

2011-12-04T00:03:00.000+08:00

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A Ventriloquist's Fun

2011-12-03T23:56:00.000+08:00

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm.
He asked for and was given a tour.

As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd havesome fun.

He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.

The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer. "Sam!" he shouted,

"Those animals are talking! If that sheep says anything about me, it's a fucking damn lie!"

Bible Verses and its Applications

2011-12-03T23:53:00.000+08:00

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members.

At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times.

Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.____________ Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.

Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:____________ I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10"

Bridge Delivery

2011-12-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Ways Other People Address Their Sons

2011-12-03T22:49:00.000+08:00

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

Son Of A Donkey

2011-12-03T11:18:00.000+08:00

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

2011-12-03T11:12:00.000+08:00

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love".

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing".

MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.

MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

Awesome Funny Mix

2011-10-05T22:26:00.002+08:00

Explanation of the terrible Economy by the English

2011-10-05T22:23:00.002+08:00

Constable Savage - Probably the best constable

2011-10-05T22:22:00.001+08:00

Nothing To Do With Us

2011-10-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

Are You A Gay Christian? (No Offense to the religion though)

2011-10-05T21:50:00.002+08:00

Missy the missing cat. Owner requires a poster to be made. FREAKING FUNNY!!!

2011-05-14T01:31:00.000+08:00

I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears.

I am not a big fan of cats. I do not hate them, I just have no interest in them whatsoever. If I visit your house, I do not want to pat your cat, sit on the couch where it has been or have you make me a sandwich after patting it. I didn't want that sandwich anyway. The Maxwell house coffee was bad enough and when you smelt the milk to see if it was still ok, despite being a week past its use by date, I saw your nose touch the carton.
I actually rescued a cat once. I was walking across a bridge, over a river that was in flood, when I heard mewing and saw a frantic cat being pulled along. I picked up a fairly hefty branch and threw it over the rail to where the cat was. I did not see it after that but I am pretty sure it would have climbed on and ridden the branch over the next set of rapids and waterfall to safety.

ORIGINAL E-MAIL CONVERSATION

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

Just for your information: The 10 Worst Food Ingredients

2011-05-12T18:54:00.000+08:00

The 10 Worst Food Ingredients

Food companies use lots of unhealthful and dodgy ingredients to extend shelf life, add gaudy colors, and make us crave their products.

You can (and should!) steer clear of these toxic, tacky ingredients to protect your family's health. When enough of us say "no way," these food companies will get the message and clean up their act.

Here are the top 10 "worst of the worst" in our opinion (not necessarily ranked in order of the harm they do)...

1. Monosodium Glutamate (MSG)

WHAT IT IS: MSG is an amino acid used as a flavor-enhancer in processed foods (one of the most common food additives).

WHY IT'S BAD: It's an known excitotoxin, which is a neurotoxic chemical additive shown to harm nerve cells-- overexciting them, sometimes to the point of cell death. Regularly consuming excitotoxins like MSG destroys significant numbers of brain cells and can lead to serious health problems, including neurological disorders. (The two other common excitotoxins used in food are aspartic acid (found in aspartame) and l-cysteine, which is used as a dough conditioner.) In addition, regular consumption of MSG has been shown to stimulate the appetite and contribute to weight gain and obesity.

AKA: MSG goes by several aliases, such as Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein, Hydrolyzed Plant Protein, Vegetable Protein Extract, Yeast Extract, Glutamate, Glutamic Acid, Sodium Caseinate, Textured Protein, Soy Protein Isolates, Barley Malt, Calcium Caseinate and Malt Extract.

IT'S FOUND IN: Processed foods like salad dressings, low-fat yogurt, canned meats, frozen entrees, potato chips, canned soups (including Campbell's Condensed Chicken Noodle Soup), and flavored crackers (like Wheat Thins, Cheez-Its and Triscuits).

2. Aspartame

WHAT IT IS: One of the most widely-used artificial sweeteners.

WHY IT'S BAD: Like MSG, aspartame is an excitotoxin. It also is believed to be carcinogenic, and produces neurotoxic effects such as headaches, dizziness, blurry vision, and gastrointestinal disturbances.

Aspartame contains 10-percent methanol, which is shown to be broken down by the body into the toxic by-products formic acid and formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is considered to be a potent nerve toxin and carcinogen, which may explain why aspartame accounts for more reports to the FDA of adverse reactions than all other foods and food additives combined.

AKA: NutraSweet, Equal, Canderel, Spoonful, Natrataste, AminoSweet, plus others.

IT'S FOUND IN: Over 6,000 products contain it, including diet and sugar-free sodas and drinks, sugar-free chewing gum, yogurt, breath mints, instant breakfasts, frozen desserts, juice beverages, and gelatins.

AVOID ITS PALS: Splenda (Sucralose), Sweet 'n' Low (saccharine)

3. High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS)

WHAT IT IS: This is a highly-refined sweetener in which corn starch is separated from the corn kernel. The corn starch is then converted into corn syrup through a process called acid hydrolysis.

WHY IT'S BAD: Nearly all HFCS is made from genetically-modified corn. It is the number-one source of calories in the US diet, and has been shown to contribute to weight gain and the development of diabetes.

HFCS also is a major contributor to cardiovascular disease, arthritis, insulin resistance, and elevated triglycerides and raised LDL cholesterol. In 2009, the Environmental Health Journal reported that a study conducted by the Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy found mercury in 9 of 20 samples of commercial HFCS. The HFCS came from 3 different manufacturers including popular brands such as Quaker, Hunts, Kraft, Yoplait, Nutri-Grain, and Smuckers. Mercury is a heavy metal and is considered a potent brain toxin. The presence of mercury-contaminated caustic soda in the production of HFCS is common.

AKA: Corn sugar, glucose/fructose (syrup), high-fructose maize syrup inulin, iso-glucose, and fruit fructose.

IT'S FOUND IN: Soda, salad dressings, breads, cereals, yogurt, soups, lunch meats, pizza sauce and condiments. On average, Americans consume 12 teaspoons of HFCS per day.

4. Agave Nectar

WHAT IT IS: This highly-processed sweetener is derived from the agave (cactus) plant. Most agave sold in the US comes from Mexico.

WHY IT'S BAD: Many consumers believe agave syrup is a healthful sweetener, but it's anything but. Agave nectar contains the highest amount of fructose (55-97%) among all the commercial sweeteners, including HFCS (which averages 55% fructose).

Fructose has been shown to increase insulin resistance, the precursor to Type 2 diabetes. It is mainly broken down in the liver and then converted to fat. Excessive fructose, when consumed in quantities greater than 25 grams a day, has been shown to elevate uric acid levels, which causes chronic, low level inflammation throughout the body. It is also a main cause of fatty liver disease.

Fructose consumption also leads to weight gain, elevated blood sugar and triglycerides, plus high blood pressure.

AKA: Agave Syrup

IT'S FOUND IN: Ice cream, energy bars and cereals, ketchup and other sauces. Agave is also sold as a stand-alone sweetener.

5. Artificial Food Coloring

WHAT IT IS: If your food isn't naturally colorful, these additives tint them much like the dyes that color clothing.

WHY IT'S BAD: Artificial food dyes were originally synthesized from coal tar -- and now they are derived from petroleum. They have long been controversial, and are one of the most widely used additives in food products today. Many dyes have been banned because of their adverse effects on laboratory animals. Studies have confirmed that nine dyes currently approved for use in the US raise the following health concerns.

According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest's (CSPI) study on food dyes, "The three most widely used dyes, Red 40, Yellow 5, and Yellow 6, are contaminated with known carcinogens. Another dye, Red 3, has been acknowledged for years by the Food and Drug Administration to be a carcinogen, yet it is still in the food supply." CPSI further reports that these nine food dyes are linked to health issues ranging from cancer and hyperactivity to allergy-like reactions.

A large-scale British government study (published in 2007in the UK medical journal Lancet) found that a variety of common food dyes, as well as the preservative sodium benzoate, increased hyperactivity and decreased the attention spans of children. These additives were shown to adversely affect children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), along with children having no prior history of behavior problems.

The European Union (EU) has put labeling regulations in place to inform consumers of the health risks, but the US has failed to follow suit.

AKA: Caramel color, FD&C Blue #1, Brilliant Blue FCF, Bright blue, Blue # 2, Ingtotine, Royal Blue, Red Number 3, Erythrosine, FD&C Red No.40, Allura Red AC, Yellow 5 and 6, FD&C Green Number 3, Fast Green, Sea Green, to name a few.

IT'S FOUND IN: Beverages, candy, baked goods, cereal, energy bars, puddings, jams, bread, macaroni and cheese, deli meat, frostings, condiments, fast food, ice cream, sherbet, sorbet, plus meat and fish (to make them appear "fresher").

6. BHA and BHT

WHAT IT IS: Butylated hydroxyanisole (BHA) and butylated hydrozyttoluene (BHT) are preservatives used in many foods to prevent oxidation and extend shelf life.

WHY IT'S BAD: BHA and BHT are oxidants, which have been shown to form potentially cancer-causing reactive compounds in the body. The International Agency for Research on Cancer, part of the World Health Organization, considers BHA to be possibly carcinogenic to humans, and the State of California has listed it as a known carcinogen.

WHERE IT'S FOUND: In packaging materials, cereals, sausage, hot dogs, meat patties, chewing gum, potato chips, beer, butter, vegetable oils, cosmetics, and animal feed.

7. Sodium Nitrite and Sodium Nitrate

WHAT THEY ARE: These two closely-related chemicals are used to preserve meat.

WHY THEY'RE BAD: When added to meat, the nitrates are readily converted to nitrosamines, which are associated with an increased risk of certain types of cancers. This chemical reaction occurs most readily at the high temperatures. In a 2007 analysis, The World Cancer Research Fund revealed that eating 1.8 ounces of processed meat every day increases your cancer risk by 20%.

AKA: Soda niter, Chile saltpeter

THEY'RE FOUND IN: Cured meats, bacon, ham, salami, corned beef and hot dogs, pate, pickled pig's feet, canned meat (Vienna sausages, deviled ham), smoked salmon, dried fish, jerky.

8. Potassium Bromate

WHAT IT IS: A form of bromide, it is used as an additive to increase the volume in some breads, rolls, and flours.

WHY IT'S BAD: It has been shown to cause cancer in animals and is banned in the EU, Canada, and several other countries. The FDA, since 1991, has requested that bakers voluntarily stop using it. It is rarely used in California because a cancer warning is required on the label. Bromide is considered to be an endocrine disruptor.

AKA: Bromic acid, potassium salt, bromated flour, "enriched flour."

IT'S FOUND IN: Most commercial baked goods in the US, including Wonder Bread, Sunbeam, Home Pride (but not in Pepperidge Farm, Arnold, Entenmann's, and Orowheat brands). It's also common in flour, and occurs in some toothpaste and mouthwash brands as an antiseptic.

9. Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone (rBGH)

WHAT IT IS: Produced by Monsanto, rBGH is a genetically-engineered version of the natural growth hormone produced by cows. It is used to boost milk production in dairy cows.

WHY IT'S BAD: "rBGH milk" contains high levels of insulin-like growth factor (IGF-1), excess levels of which have been implicated as major causes of breast, colon and prostate cancers. rBGH milk is not required to be labeled.

Giving cows rBGH has been shown to increase the incidence of mastitis. When a cow has mastitis, pus and blood are secreted into the milk. It also leads to antibiotic resistance, which is tied to the spread of virulent staph infections such as MRSA. Hormones in food have also been linked to the onset of early puberty for girls.

Consumer feedback spurred such megabrands as Dannon and General Mills, and the supermarket chains Wal-Mart, Starbucks, and Publix to phase out products with hormones rBST and rBGH.

AKA: Recombinant bovine somatotropin (rBST).

IT'S FOUND IN: All dairy products that aren't specifically labeled "No rGBH or rBST."

10. Refined Vegetable Oil

WHAT IT IS: There are many different kinds of commercially-refined vegetable oils, including soybean oil, corn oil, safflower oil, canola oil, and peanut oil.

WHY IT'S BAD: Refined cooking oils are made by intensive mechanical and chemical processes that extract the oil from the seeds. The refining process also utilizes chemical solvents and high temperatures. The oils are then typically deodorized and bleached. This process removes the natural vitamins and minerals from the seeds and creates a product that has been shown to become rancid and oxidize easily, causing free radical formation.

These oils are also high in Omega-6 fatty acid, which is inflammatory and neutralizes the benefits of Omega-3s in your diet. The oxidation effect has been shown to contribute to inflammation in the body, DNA damage elevated blood triglycerides, and impaired insulin response. Additionally, many refined vegetable oils are hydrogenated. This process creates trans fatty acids, which are known to contribute to heart disease and some cancers.

IT'S FOUND IN: Many, if not most, processed foods such as crackers, granola bars, and baked goods use these vegetable oils. They also are popular as stand-alone products (i.e., cooking oils and margarines).

CONCLUSION: This is certainly not a complete list of all the unhealthful ingredients in commercial foods today, but these are the ones to avoid like the plague. If you have other nominees, please feel free to add comments with reference to this post. Thank you so much for reader!!! Save yourselves!

No NERDS are allowed in this bar, NERDS SEASON OPEN

2011-04-15T16:46:00.000+08:00

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.

As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN

RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds

of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.

You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them

instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

Left with 7, back with 12

2011-04-14T00:09:00.000+08:00

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to

him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood

scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven!"

REBECCA BLACK!!! AHHH~!!!

2011-04-08T14:43:00.000+08:00

Shoot the Dog

2011-03-04T18:52:00.000+08:00

Commissioned by a zoo to bring them some baboons, the big game hunter devised a novel scheme to trap them - his only requirements being a sack, a gun, and a particularly vicious and bad tempered dog.

Once in the jungle, he explained to his assistant. "I'll climb this tree and shake the branches, if there are any baboons up there, they will fall to the ground - and the dogs will bite their tail and immobilise them so that you can pick them up quite safely and put them in the sack."

"But what do I need the gun for?" asked the assisant.

"If I should fall out of the tree by mistake, shoot the dog."

Let's start swearing with HELL & ASS

2011-03-02T17:08:00.000+08:00

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast.

The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast.

And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops."

Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.

She then turns to the 6-year-old and ask, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

Lawyer Jokes (Q&A)

2011-03-02T17:03:00.000+08:00

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice. A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?

A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U. S.?

A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more."

Doctor says just a can of beer a day at max.. So be it

2011-02-21T19:18:00.000+08:00

Extended Marketing examples Jokes

2011-02-21T00:29:00.002+08:00

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you
walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you
"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich.. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a
party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"

Do you know why you did not manage to catch any fish?

2011-01-28T22:34:00.000+08:00

Woman: So dear, did you catch any fish?

Man: Yea, a big one!

Woman: Really?

Man: Yea, a really big SHOE! If I'd known that I can't catch any big fishes, I wouldn't have release the
smaller ones. At the very least we still have som fish for dinner.

Woman laughs: Do you know why you didn't manage to catch any big fishes?

Man: Why?

Woman: Because the small fishes have gone back to warn the big fishes about it.

Man: No, that is not true! Nobody would believe a word from kids!

Door Chin/Pull up bar Caution

2011-01-28T21:48:00.000+08:00

I am so sad because I am 188cm tall which is quite tall and that my door width and length is not so big :(

Just this week, I've pulled my neck/back muscles 2 twice right after the first one recovered! :(

I'm not discouraging people from using it, just be more careful when using it.

Do not do these things like I did, especially when you are big and tall:

1) Turn your head around i.e. Left/Right, looking here and there or to have the momentum to pull yourself up

2) Talk to someone else and worse off, laugh

It took me about 3-5 days to recover. So terrible because you can't sleep well or train well :(

Proposing a toast to the CATERERS & the rest can FUCK OFF!

2011-01-15T22:06:00.002+08:00

The Good Loser

2011-01-02T14:49:00.001+08:00

Did I read that sign right?

2011-01-01T21:31:00.000+08:00

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

It's about time I give you something to let you know what's on my mind, my Dick in a Box

2010-12-31T23:02:00.004+08:00

I JUST HAD SEX!!! MY FAVOURITE SONG OF ALL TIME!!

2010-12-31T22:38:00.002+08:00

Angry Birds Treaty (Super Funny)

2010-12-31T02:49:00.001+08:00

Mirror or 2-way Glass

2010-12-24T18:54:00.000+08:00

Two-WAY GLASS

MIRROR

A Mirror or a 2-Way Glass?

How can you tell when you are in a room, restroom,
motel etc. with a mirror or a 2-way glass?

Here's how: I thought it was quite interesting! And I
know in about 30 seconds you're going to do what I did
and find the nearest mirror.

Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or
not? A policewoman who travels all over the US and
gives seminars and techniques for businesswomen passed
this on.

When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms,
changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure
that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the wall
is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror (i.e.,
they can see you, but you can't see them)? There have
been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in
female changing rooms . It is very difficult to
positively identify the surface by looking at it.

So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty
what type of mirror we are looking at?

Just conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your
fingernail against the reflective surface and if there
is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the
nail, then it is GENUINE mirror. However, if your
fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail,
then BEWARE! IT IS A 2-WAY MIRROR!

"No Space, Leave the Place" So remember, every time
you see a mirror, do the "fingernail test." It doesn't
cost you anything.

REMEMBER. No Space, Leave the Place

Ladies: Share this with your girlfriends, sisters,
daughters, etc.
Men: Share this with your wives, daughters,
daughters-in-law, mothers, girlfriends and/or friends

Too Afraid to Cough

2010-12-21T20:10:00.002+08:00

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains.

"So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

Cheerio = Punishment?!

2010-12-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!"

The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!"

The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them.

"Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old.

She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"

The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"

Excessive flatulence without sound and smell ;)

2010-12-18T19:29:00.000+08:00

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now.

So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while.

At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smith while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell."

At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman.

"What's this? " she asked, "some pills? "

"No ", replied Dr Smith, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."

Extended version of the impromptu joke

2010-12-17T00:22:00.000+08:00

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half ".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, sir". "Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "Really?? What team did she play for?"

Now we know how accurate our "Modern" weather forecast intel is

2010-12-16T04:06:00.000+08:00

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not.

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a
VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again:

"Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely " the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Leave her alone! She's MINE!

2010-12-13T12:10:00.000+08:00

A Border Patrol agent is on duty.

He spots two Mexicans and stops them.

They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.

He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use thewords liver and cheese in a sentence."

So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch."

The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you? " he asks the second guy.

He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine. "

She wants her photo back, but I don't know which one is her's

2010-12-13T12:08:00.000+08:00

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and
asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

Still Up and Going Strong Early in the MORNING!

2010-12-06T05:29:00.000+08:00

Still awake at 5.25am on 6th of December 2010.

My dear Serene Jie Jie is chatting with me from UK you know! Don't play play uh!!

So sweet of her right?!

I miss her so much lorrrr! Can't wait to see her back in SG again and we shall go out makan makan and play play and play bball with Anston and more with SERENE!!! :D:D:D

Here's two posts for you! ;) And one joke for you here...

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.

The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"

The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."

The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!""

This is what I call Trade-Off (For Serene)

2010-12-06T05:24:00.000+08:00

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal.

The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.

The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds.

Psychiatric Hotline Guide

2010-11-24T20:03:00.000+08:00

Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Face that does ring a bell. Literally!

2010-11-24T19:37:00.000+08:00

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.

"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.

The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!"

So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him. "Who is that guy?" one person says.
"I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell... "

Aussie was taught not to piss on his hand

2010-11-16T23:15:00.002+08:00

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U. S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands.

The U. S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said.

"In the U. S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, "In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...!"

I was afraid that you're going to give her back

2010-11-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

I bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of my hair and I decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, I suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind me.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,"" I thought to myself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit me. I was terrified!

"What the heck am I doing?" I thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to me, and I took my license without a word, and let him examined it and the car.

Finally he came to the window looking steadily at me and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

I blinked only once while my brain scrambled for a reply.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," I said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer."

True story, the officer let me go ;)

Need to catch up with my sleep

2010-11-13T20:31:00.000+08:00

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?

If you are a gentlemen/lady

2010-11-09T19:42:00.000+08:00

There was once I were on my way home after a seriously long and tired day from school and training.

I boarded the bus and sat down.

The next stop, this really huge/fat lady boarded the bus and occupied the last remaining 4 seats.

Then, at the next next stop, this old lady boarded the bus.

The fat lady stared at me.

I know she wanted me to give up the seat.

I ignored and sleep. Then she tap on me and told me off with a really harsh tone saying, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down."

I was pissed and I talked back,
"And if you were a lady, you'd stand up and let four people to sit down."

All other passengers laughed and she gave up her seat and alighted at the next stop. When she's alighted, she cause at least 8 others passengers to alight because there was no room for her to move.

Asshole is in-charge!

2010-10-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

One day the different parts of the body were having anargument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said, "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said, "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said, "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said, "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said, "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said, "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.

After a few days, the legs were allwobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole."

2010-10-19T20:58:00.002+08:00

A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.

The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?'and the deer replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'

The gorilla walked off pleased.

Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole.

The gorilla roared,'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied,
'Oh, you are, Master.'

The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.

With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'

Session with the kids and George Bush

2010-10-19T20:57:00.000+08:00

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school.
All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President.

He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy. "

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try? "

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer? " "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss! "

It's me blonde jokes

2010-10-15T01:24:00.000+08:00

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.

She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

"Let me look." said the other one.

So she handed her the compact.

The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one. "You dumb ass -- that's ME!"

Chemical Formula for H2O

2010-10-15T01:20:00.003+08:00

Teacher: What is the formula for water?
George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you?
George: Sure, you said H to O!

Satan's sister is my wife

2010-10-15T01:08:00.001+08:00

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.

So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.

The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.

He just looks at her and says, ''You don't scare me I am married to your sister!'''

Epic blind men's joke

2010-09-16T21:54:00.000+08:00

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.'

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walking.

A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, man, no pets allowed.'

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'

The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes,they're using them now, they're very good.'

The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.'

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he put son a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'

The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?'

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'

BBQ's best location and invite

2010-09-16T21:48:00.000+08:00

I was on facebook and I came across this event of my friend and she is suggesting a BBQ session. Those who wanna go are to comment/like/tag her post.

I told her that my grand parents want to be in the event and so do my great great great grand parents.

So my great grand parents did the "adult & generous thing" by extending their warmth and sincerity and to invite all of them over to their place!

How sweet right?

See you guys in Hell for the BBQ!!! :D

Barred from sex on honeymoon night

2010-09-16T21:40:00.000+08:00

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on.

The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.

The crying landlord

2010-09-07T12:59:00.000+08:00

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400. "

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.

"May I ask who you are? "

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Notes from little children to God

2010-09-07T12:57:00.000+08:00

Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God.

Dear GOD : Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones You have? - Jane

Dear GOD : Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry Dear

GOD : If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey Dear

GOD : I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan

Dear GOD : In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? - Jane

Dear GOD : I read the Bible. What does "beget "" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, Alison

Dear GOD : Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - Lucy

Dear GOD : Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? - Anita

Dear GOD : Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD : Who draws the lines around the countries? - Nem

Dear GOD : I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD : What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything. - Morris

Dear GOD : Did You really mean 'do unto others as they do unto you' ? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear GOD : Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear GOD : It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. - Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD : Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.

Dear GOD : Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. - Bruce

Dear GOD:If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Mary Horton - because I hate her. - Denise

Dear GOD : If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. - Raphael

Dear GOD : I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - Sam

Dear GOD : You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - Dean

Dear GOD : I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. - Ruth M.

Dear GOD : I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying - Elliott

Dear GOD : Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best.- Rob

Dear GOD : My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - Marsha

Dear GOD : I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, Chris

Dear GOD : We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD : The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool. " But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Eddie

Dear GOD : I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are GOD already. - Charles

Dear GOD : I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene"

Grab the things that you will need

2010-09-07T12:47:00.002+08:00

One day a blonde, red-head, and a brunette were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down.

They decided they would all walk to civilization.

The red-head said, "I'm going to take water so if I get thirsty I can drink it. "

" Then the brunette said, "I'm going to take some food so if I get hungry I can eat. "

And then the blonde said, "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can roll the window down! "

Company's policy for old employees

2010-09-07T12:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.

We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Killer who wouldn't lend his hammer

2010-09-07T00:32:00.000+08:00

A man is in court.

The Judges says, "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead? "

"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat! "

The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued, "and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead "?

"Guilty ", said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!!"

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man? "

He replied "He is my next door neighbor ".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments ".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one "!!!"

How to hunt for a man with large dick

2010-09-07T00:25:00.000+08:00

An old woman walks into a drug store and asks the young man behind the counter if they sell extra large condoms.

The clerk looks at the woman quizzically, but shrugs and tells her "yes, we do. They're right here behind the counter. "

The old woman thanks the clerk and stands there, and stands there, and stands there.

The clerk asks the old woman, "Is there something else I can help you with, Ma'am? ".

The woman smiles sweetly at the clerk and says, "No, thank you, son. I'm just waiting here to see who buys them ".

Spirit is there but the flash is weak (spirit is there but the flesh is weak)

2010-09-07T00:23:00.000+08:00

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the town folk - the ghost which "lived" there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.

He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph ".

The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Something nice for Late-Dad

2010-08-14T21:15:00.002+08:00

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill. "

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid.

The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "

you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo. "

Don't get to excited for the future

2010-08-14T21:06:00.002+08:00

Another Blonde story

2010-07-23T00:28:00.001+08:00

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

Cleansing (No offense)

2010-07-23T00:17:00.001+08:00

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Beth have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Laura! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that Holy Water, I'm gunna do it before Melissa sticks her ass in it!"

Sex Depictation of Senarios between 2 couples

2010-07-23T00:15:00.002+08:00

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.

Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?

Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour - and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light fricking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

HEALTH ALERT!!!

2010-07-23T00:02:00.000+08:00

ALERT

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the
antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends.

If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life...

Sorry, I don't have smaller change for that

2010-07-22T23:39:00.000+08:00

One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Vale Road, "answered the woman", “OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"

"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"...

Goat, not ghost~

2010-07-22T23:35:00.000+08:00

At a crowded lecture hall, the speaker stands up and says "Hands up if any of you every seen a ghost?"

Quite a few people put up their hand.

The speaker continues...

"And of those, how many have actually claimed to have touched a ghost?".

Many hands go down, but still a few remain.

"And of these, have any of you every had sex with a ghost?".

All the hands go down except this person right at the back of the hall!

The speaker shouts. "Sir! are you saying you've actually had sex with a ghost?"

The man shouted back "Oh, ghost!..... I thought you said GOAT!"

Not expecting too much (Idiots)

2010-06-27T19:15:00.000+08:00

Supervisor to waiters/waitresses: I don't expect the cutleries to be super clean, all I'm asking for is for it to be spotless, the colour must look uniform, am I asking too much?

Waiters/Waitresses: ??!?!?!?!?!??!?! *SHOCKED*

Not long later~
Supervisor checks... Then fainted*

The waiters and waitresses did exactly as the supervisor has said. All the cutleries that have spot(s) on it was made more dirty. Cutleries with coffee stains were soaked in coffee to make the colour look uniform and the other kind of spots.. I'll leave it up to your imagination..

Mother to children: I don't expect all of you to top the whole nation or get exellent grades. All I ask of you is to be like a genius.

Next day, all the children were dressed like Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein and those famous sciencetiests.. all in fuzzy messed up hair and clothings or coat

Faithful at last

2010-06-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters.

The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

We should not stick our finger in our nose

2010-06-19T00:48:00.000+08:00

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

Bad Bad Hearing

2010-06-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding? "

"The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say? "

The old man yells, ""He says you were speeding! "

"The patrolman says, "May I see your license? "

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say? "

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say? "And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

The essence of short and sweet - straight to the point

2010-06-17T20:11:00.000+08:00

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

Too damn slow/dumb/late?

2010-06-17T20:07:00.000+08:00

"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income. " his wife told her best friend.

"How do you two manage? And you even have kids! "

"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money. "

"Really? How can that be? "

"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything! "

12 Guaranteed Ways to Be Miserable at Work

2010-06-09T00:08:00.000+08:00

Don’t appreciate your achievements. Instead, regard them as things that anyone could do or which somehow occurred through no serious effort of your own.

Keep raising the bar. Turn a search for excellence into an exhausting, never-ending quest.

Look at life through a mirror. After all, the rest of the world should behave and think as you do.

Expect others to know when you are upset. Regard their failure as a sign that they are insensitive and uncaring.

Reopen old wounds. Blame your parents, siblings, coworkers, bosses, and teachers. Let no transgression have a statute of limitations.

Worry. Fret about things that are unlikely to happen. Worry some more when they don’t happen.

Embrace martyrdom. Be much harder on yourself than you would be on others.

Don’t enjoy the small things. Keep your eye on the weightier matters. Ignore small pleasures such as watching a sunrise or having a good cup of coffee.

Fall in with bad companions. Associate with people who have similar negative habits so you can reinforce one another’s feelings.

Swing for the fences. Forget the base hits and incremental goals.

Don’t set deadlines. Hey, you’ll get around to it one of these days.

And above all, expect an even playing field. The world is noted for being fair.

No offense Canadians, I still love you bitches there

2010-06-08T14:27:00.000+08:00

One day an Englishman, an
American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.

They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.

Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!! "

There's no toilet paper in here either

2010-06-08T14:25:00.002+08:00

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "

Old lawyer

2010-06-08T14:24:00.000+08:00

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing.

St. Peter greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? "

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old! ""

Be branded~ Be Pepsi

2010-06-08T14:23:00.000+08:00

Cheap parking, high security

2010-05-30T21:41:00.000+08:00

A man walks into a New York bank, and says he's going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.

The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.

Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.

The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire.

Why ever did you need to borrow $5000? ""
""Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41? """

Poop, Shut Up, Manners and Trouble

2010-05-30T21:37:00.000+08:00

There were once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners and Trouble.

Poop was riding his bike and fell.

Manners went to help him up.

Trouble got lost.

Shut Up goes to the Police Station to report it.

Officer: What's your name?

Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: What's your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up.
Officer: For the last time, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!
Shut Up: Shut Up!
Officer: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Yeah, we lost him about 2 miles back.
Officer: Where's your Manners?
Shut Up: Back there pickin' up Poop.

Disappointment

2010-05-28T22:55:00.001+08:00

Muscular Turtle!!

2010-05-28T22:39:00.002+08:00

Trusting someone else to bring money to your coffin

2010-05-28T22:28:00.000+08:00

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.

He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.

At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the
coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said,

"I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that. "

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000!"

Even a genie can't handle women

2010-05-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out.

The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish! "

"The man thinks for a minute, and says, "
"I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick. "

"The genie replies, "

"My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that?
First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers.
Not to mention all the materials it will take.
In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes.
I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish! "

"The man thinks for a minute, and says, ""I want to be able to understand women. "

"The genie pauses for a moment and says -"

"So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four? """

Guys, print all these and keep it as notes to study before getting into a relationship with women

2010-05-13T18:59:00.000+08:00

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to bitch

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby crying?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am!

I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong? "
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam and I am going to cheat on you.

Why is it still loving even when they call you a pig

2010-05-12T00:09:00.000+08:00

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid.
Nevertheless, he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them then following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him.

The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar? ""

Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following.

A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, ""Honey, honey? ""

Again Joe thought this was good stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, ""Ham, pig? """

Worried mom and sarcastic doctor

2010-05-10T11:40:00.002+08:00

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.

Ways to tell who you are making love to

2010-05-05T22:29:00.002+08:00

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit. "

A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right. "

An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally. "

Something's wrong when your child look neither like you nor your spouse

2010-05-05T22:26:00.002+08:00

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"What will you name the baby "?

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!

Sometimes, guys just are so ARGGHHHHH~!!!

2010-05-02T10:56:00.000+08:00

Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that? "

"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know that girl! "

Nice try dude, nice try

2010-05-02T10:54:00.000+08:00

One day a lady was driving on the Highway.

She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.

However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!
And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.

She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.

I'm not drinking.

I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything! "

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car.

She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.

A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.

The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.

The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck. "

A classic example of how liars are being treated

2010-04-30T19:39:00.000+08:00

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.

The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage.

Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.

"So you buried all the politicians? " asked the police officer.

"Were they all dead? "

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie. "

What you ask for is what you get, perhaps not

2010-04-30T19:36:00.000+08:00

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!